bobbaumlaw

Divorce Is Just the Beginning, Not the End

Fri, 21 Feb 2025 20:02:17 GMT

While the process of ending a marriage can be challenging, the impact of a divorce doesn’t end when you leave the courtroom. It’s the beginning of a series of transitions that touch every part of your life, from legal and financial adjustments to emotional and personal changes. While the process can feel overwhelming, it also offers an opportunity to rebuild and start fresh. Understanding the changes involved after a divorce can make them easier to manage along the way.

Updating Personal Information

Name Changes

Changing your name after your divorce can be an important way to establish your sense of independence. You’ll want to discuss this change during the divorce proceedings so it can be included in the final decree.

One of the first steps in a name change is updating your Social Security card. You’ll need your divorce decree as legal proof of the change. Once that’s complete, update your driver’s license, passport, and other identification. Don’t forget to notify your employer, banks, and utility companies to ensure your updated name is reflected across all official records.

Health Insurance

Divorce can mean losing access to health insurance under a spouse’s plan. Consider options such as COBRA, which allows temporary coverage under your ex-spouse’s plan, or shop for an individual health insurance policy. Address this as soon as possible to avoid gaps in coverage, which could lead to unexpected medical expenses.

Credit Cards and Financial Accounts

You’ll need to notify your financial institutions of the name change and make certain your ex-spouse’s name isn’t on any of your accounts. It’s easiest to close joint accounts and establish your own credit card to avoid confusion. Updating the information for automatic payments for monthly bills can prevent accidental missed payments during this transition.

Updating Your Beneficiaries

Divorce is a critical time to update the beneficiaries listed on estate planning documents and other accounts. These changes will reflect your current wishes and avoid unintended outcomes.

Wills and Living Trusts: Update these legal documents to ensure your assets go to the right people.
Power of Attorney: Assign a new power of attorney if your ex-spouse was previously listed.
Health Care Proxies: Choose someone you trust to make medical decisions on your behalf if necessary.
Life Insurance Policies: Update the beneficiaries on your life insurance to reflect your current preferences.
Retirement Accounts: Review your 401(k), IRAs, or other accounts to ensure the beneficiaries are those whom you intend.
Other Policies and Accounts: Don’t forget to check annuities, brokerage accounts, and any additional policies or contracts where beneficiaries are listed.

Taking these steps will mean that your estate and financial plans match your new circumstances. For assistance with filing these documents and ensuring they’re legally sound, consider consulting an attorney who specializes in estate planning.

Managing Shared Assets and Memberships

Handling Shared Memberships

Small logistical tasks and corrections will arise in the weeks after your divorce. Shared memberships, such as gym memberships, streaming services, and loyalty programs, can be an unexpected complication. You’ll need to decide whether these accounts should be transferred, canceled, or split. Clear communication with your ex-spouse can help avoid unnecessary disruptions or charges.

Other Unexpected Complications

In some cases, you might encounter more complicated issues like co-signed loans, timeshares, pets, joint car ownership, or unclear account ownership. These situations can be challenging to resolve, so you may need to seek professional guidance from a financial advisor or lawyer to address them effectively.

Easing the Emotional Transition

Claiming Your Space

Your living environment plays a crucial role in helping you move forward. Rearrange or redecorate your home to reflect this new phase of your life. Even small changes like new furniture, paint colors, or decor can make your space feel like your own and help you establish a sense of independence.

Creating New Routines

Divorce often means reimagining your daily life. Consider the goals that you may have set aside during your marriage. Whether it’s exploring a new hobby, joining a fitness class, or making time for self-care, creating structure can help you regain a sense of stability.

Practical Advice for a Smoother Transition

Stay Organized

Keep track of all the changes you need to make with a checklist. Include updates to legal documents, financial accounts, memberships, and subscriptions. Staying organized can prevent unnecessary stress and ensure you don’t miss critical updates.

Build a Support Network

Lean on friends, family, or support groups as you adjust to your new life. Surrounding yourself with people who uplift and encourage you can make you feel less isolated during the process.

Seek Professional Help

Some steps of this transition require expert guidance, especially if communicating with your ex-spouse is a challenge. A financial advisor can help you manage your assets, and a therapist can provide emotional support. If you need legal advice during the process, the team at the Law Offices of Robert L. Baum would be glad to help.

While divorce may feel like an ending, it’s also an opportunity to embrace a new beginning. Take it one day at a time, and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Remember, every step on this journey helps you build the life you’ve been hoping for.

The Use of Mediation in Intra-Family Disputes

Mon, 03 Feb 2025 19:14:25 GMT

The Challenge of Conflicts within Families

Conflicts within families are often deeply personal and emotional due to the shared history of those involved. These disputes can range from minor misunderstandings to significant disagreements that threaten the stability and harmony of the family. Going to court can often make matters worse by creating financial stress and fractured relationships. The less formal mediation process provides a calmer alternative that can lead to a positive result.

What is Mediation?

Mediation is a voluntary, private process where a neutral third party, called a mediator, helps people talk through their issues to find a mutually acceptable solution. Unlike going to court, mediation focuses on collaboration, cooperation, and keeping relationships intact by addressing everyone's needs and interests. The mediator does not impose a decision but helps guide the conversation to promote understanding and agreement.

The Mediation Process

A standard mediation process involves several steps:

Initial Meeting : The mediator meets with the parties to explain the process, establish ground rules, and ensure all participants are willing to engage in the process.
Statement of Issues : Each party presents its understanding of the issues at hand, allowing the mediator to understand the conflict's context and underlying concerns.
Negotiation and Agreemen t : Through a guided process, the parties work towards a mutually acceptable agreement. The mediator drafts the final resolution, which can be formalized as a legally binding document. The timeframe to reach an agreement depends on the extent and complexity of the conflict but usually involves more than one session.

Benefits of Mediation in Intra-Family Disputes

Confidentiality : Unlike court proceedings, which are often public, mediation sessions are private, ensuring that sensitive family matters remain within the family. This privacy lets everyone talk openly without worrying about being judged or exposed.
Financial Considerations : Legal battles can be lengthy and expensive, draining family resources and causing financial strain. Mediation, on the other hand, usually involves fewer sessions and lower costs.
Preserving Relationships: Mediation focuses on cooperative problem-solving and communication, which can help preserve and even improve relationships. By addressing the root problems and promoting understanding, mediation can create a more peaceful and respectful family atmosphere.

Common Uses of Intra-Family Mediation

Intra-family mediation can address various types of conflicts, including:

Divorce and Separation : Mediation helps couples navigate the complexities of divorce or separation, including property division, child custody, and support arrangements.
Inheritance Disputes : Mediation can assist in reaching agreements that honor the wishes of the deceased while addressing the concerns of surviving family members.
Caregiving Responsibilities : Mediation provides a platform for family members to discuss and agree on caregiving responsibilities and financial contributions for elderly or disabled family members.
Guardianship: Mediation helps families resolve disagreements about guardianship arrangements for minors or incapacitated adults, ensuring decisions are made in the best interests of the individual.
Business Succession : In cases where family businesses are involved, mediation can facilitate discussions on succession planning, roles, and responsibilities.

When Mediation May Not Be Appropriate

While mediation offers many benefits, it is not suitable for all situations. Mediation is unlikely to be effective in cases involving:

Domestic Violence : When there is a history of domestic abuse, the power imbalance between the parties may hinder open and fair communication.
Severe Mental Health Issues : If one or more parties suffer from severe mental health conditions that impair their ability to participate meaningfully in the process, mediation may not be effective.
Lack of Willingness : Mediation requires active participation and a willingness to listen, and negotiate. If either party is unwilling to engage in the process, mediation will be more frustrating than helpful.

Working with an Experienced Mediator

Mediation provides a respectful and constructive approach to resolving intra-family disputes. As an alternative to litigation, it offers the benefits of confidentiality and cost-effectiveness while helping to preserve family relationships. If mediation seems like a beneficial process for your situation, we encourage you to consider working with our experienced legal team at the Law Offices of Robert L. Baum.

Maryland's New Family Law Changes Effective October 2023: What You Need to Know

Tue, 26 Sep 2023 01:43:53 GMT

The state of Maryland recently enacted multiple family law changes that are effective as of October 1, 2023. These adjustments in legislation are a watershed moment for those navigating divorce, child custody, and other family law matters. As significant as they are, it's crucial to understand the specifics of these changes and how they might affect your situation. Below, we delve into these groundbreaking laws and discuss the key changes they bring to the table.

Chapter 646: Grounds for Divorce Overhauled

Perhaps the most important adjustment comes in the realm of divorce law. Chapter 646 strikes down limited divorce by repealing Family Law Article § 7-102. Prior to this, Maryland law permitted "limited divorce," which was essentially a legal separation. Now, that concept is eliminated, simplifying the complexities often attached to the divorce process.

The new law also makes it easier to get an absolute divorce by eliminating all fault grounds. This means no more proving adultery, abandonment, or cruelty, thereby speeding up the divorce process and reducing emotional tolls. Instead, the new law institutes two new no-fault grounds: a six-month separation and irreconcilable differences. Significantly, spouses can be considered "separated" even if living under the same roof, so long as they lead separate lives. This is a huge change, both by shortening the time from one year separation to six months and perhaps most importantly, by specifically allowing both parties to reside under the same roof yet being considered separated for divorce purposes. And guess what? If you had already filed for limited divorce before October 1, 2023, the statute allows you to orally amend your request to avail of the new six-month separation grounds.

The mutual consent grounds for absolute divorce have been retained, requiring both parties to resolve all issues related to alimony, property division, and child custody.

Chapter 404: Child Custody Relocation — Expedited Hearing

Time-sensitive issues surrounding child relocation now have their own statute. Amended FL § 9-106 mandates courts to schedule an expedited hearing if a parent wishes to move a child who is the subject of a custody or visitation order. The catch is that the move must significantly interfere with the other parent's existing access schedule. The expedited hearing theoretically ensures quick resolution, preventing unnecessary stress on the child and parents. The reality is that the court dockets are packed and finding an expedited hearing date may be difficult in practice.

Chapter 761: Maryland Child Abduction Prevention Act

This new statute creates additional protective measures against child abduction within custody proceedings. The court can issue child abduction prevention orders, ex parte warrants for physical custody, and even authorize law enforcement to enter private property to ensure the child's safety. This new act brings Maryland up to speed with increasing concerns about child abduction.

HB 369: Child Support Arrearages — Workers’ Compensation

Previously, Maryland laws prohibited seizing workers' compensation insurance to recover child support arrears. The new legislation changes that by amending Courts & Jud. Proc. § 11-504. Now, up to 25% of the net recovery from weekly benefits or settlement proceeds can be executed against for child support arrearages.

Conclusion

These changes in Maryland family law stand to significantly affect a multitude of families. If you're navigating any family law issue in Maryland, it's crucial to consult a qualified family law attorney. Keeping abreast of these legislative updates can have a substantial impact on your case's outcome.

Recording on Cell Phone Video Is Ok, Split Decision on Audio-Updated Blog

Mon, 15 Oct 2018 05:35:36 GMT

Maryland is a two-party consent state for purposes of recording another person's oral communications. That is, you are not permitted to record someone’s oral communications in Maryland without the other party’s consent. However, there are important exceptions to the two-party consent rule.

The first and most clear exception is that you can video record without violating Maryland’s consent laws. As the Court of Special Appeals recently stated, “a video recording without audio recording or without oral communication is not prohibited under the wiretap statute.” Holmes v. State, 236 Md. App. 636, 654, 182 A. 3rd 341 (2018). (There is a separate statute prohibiting surreptitiously recording in someone’s house. Md. Crim. Law Section 3-903 - Camera surveillance.) If you want to be on the safe side and you want to document an event turn on the video but not audio.

The question of whether you can record audio is less clear. At a recent divorce trial, I successfully argued that the cell phone videos my client took of his wife yelling and throwing knives at him were admissible. The other side’s divorce attorney argued that because his client did not consent to the recording my client violated the Maryland Wiretap Act, Cts. & Jud. Proc. § 10-401 et seq. (2006), that the recordings were inadmissible and that my client should be criminally prosecuted. He said two other judges had accepted his argument and excluded cell phone recordings from being used as evidence—but the other lawyers did not know about the case I found that contradicted that position.

The secret to success in my client’s case was Martin v. State, 218 Md.App. 1, 96 A. 3d.765 (2014), cert. denied 440 Md. 463(2014), cert denied 135 S. Ct. 2068 (2015) in which the Court of Special Appeals held that cell phone recordings are not covered under the state wiretap statute. Recording someone speaking is generally an “interception” for wiretap act purposes. However, the Maryland Wiretap statute only prohibits interceptions if they occur through the use of any “electronic, mechanical, or another device.” CJP §§ 10-401(10) and 10-402(a). According to that case, the Act specifically excludes “telephone” from the definition of an “electronic, mechanical or another device.” Therefore, by using his cell phone to record the incidents, my client was within his rights, the evidence was admitted and he got the divorce he wanted, on the terms he wanted without having to pay any alimony, divide his pension, or pay her attorney’s fees.

However, the Holmes case has muddied the water. In Holmes, the mother secretly recorded a conversation she had with her daughter regarding alleged abuse of the daughter by the mother’s boyfriend. The court emphasized the secret nature of the recording several times in its opinion and never mentioned the Martin case. The Court excluded the cell phone recording on the basis that the cell phone recording violated Maryland’s wiretap statute.

Practice pointer: It is difficult to reconcile the two cases, from the same court (Court of Special Appeals) but with different judges. Clearly under both opinions, one can videotape using the cell phone. If audio is necessary, the cell phone should be visible so that the other side cannot claim it is a secret recording. (The Court acknowledged that under the full logic of its opinion parents could not record audio of their child’s birthday parties, which may be why they emphasized several times the secret nature of the Holmes’ recording.) Of course, if you can get the other side to consent—make sure it’s on tape, even in “the heat of the moment” --then the audio portion of the cell phone recording is also clearly acceptable.

This blog is the opinion of the author and does not constitute legal advice. It should not be relied upon for any purpose; it is presented solely as a discussion point with an attorney of your choosing. It does not in any way create an attorney-client relationship between the author and the reader.

Getting a Quick Divorce in Maryland-One Year Separation Is No Longer Required

Mon, 23 Apr 2018 05:37:57 GMT

A common misperception is the couples in Maryland must wait one year of separation to obtain a no-fault divorce. That is not the case. Indeed, Maryland has become one of the most liberal divorce states.

In 2015 the Maryland Legislature added a new ground for divorce—“Mutual Consent.” Fam. Law. Art. Sect. 7-103(a)(8).Under that law, as initially enacted,if a husband and wife (1) do not have minor children in common, (2) come to a written alimony and property settlement agreement (including retirement accounts), (3) do not seek to set the settlement agreement aside before the divorce hearing, and (4) both parties appear for the uncontested divorce hearing, then they can get divorced without having to wait for a one-year separation. Indeed, they did not have to be separated at all.

That statute worked so well that the Maryland legislature expanded it to divorcing couples with minor children. They also took away the requirement that both parties appear at the divorce hearing (but, as with all divorces, the party requesting the divorce must appear). The current statute provides for divorce based on mutual consent if:

the parties execute and submit to the court a written settlement agreement signed by both parties that resolves all issues relating to:
alimony;
the distribution of property, including the relief provided in §§ 8-205 and 8-208 of this article; and
the care, custody, access, and support of minor or dependent children;
The parties attach to the settlement agreement a completed child support guidelines worksheet if the settlement agreement provides for the payment of child support;
Neither party files a pleading to set aside the settlement agreement prior to the divorce hearing required under the Maryland Rules; and
After reviewing the settlement agreement, the court is satisfied that any terms of the agreement relating to minor or dependent children are in the best interests of those children.

The impact has been profound. No longer will couples have to worry about who is moving out so that the one-year separation clock starts ticking. Rather they can negotiate a full agreement, oftentimes using mediation or collaborative law, while still residing together. Once the full agreement is in place they can promptly get divorced if all of the conditions are met. Divorces based on one-year separation will be limited to those situations where the parties cannot agree to settlement terms and need a trial. For the 95% of the divorce cases that settle, waiting for a year will be a thing of the past.

Divorce Mediation Can Be Helpful—American Psychological Association

Wed, 04 Apr 2018 05:34:12 GMT

The American Psychological Association has published an article that neatly sums up the benefits to the entire family if the parents can work out a separation agreement without going to trial. https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/healthy-divorce.aspx. It reminds us that divorce mediation can be “a good alternative to court proceedings” and that “research shows that mediation can be beneficial for emotional satisfaction, spousal relationships, and children’s needs.” Those statements also apply to Collaborative Law. Studies time and again show that how the parents get along post-separation and post-divorce are the best predictors of how the children will fare. If the parents can effectively co-parent then the children will usually adjust to the split. If the parents continue to fight then the children will remain (or become) torn which can have lasting, negative impacts on them.

The article also mentions the benefits of using psychologists during the divorce process. Social workers are also beneficial. It is difficult but not impossible to find mental health professionals who will accept health insurance. I keep a list of psychologists and social workers that have experience in helping people with marriage and family issues. If you would like some referrals please let me know.

Protecting Your Retirement During Divorce

Tue, 20 Mar 2018 05:33:22 GMT

The following article , published in the investment newsletter “The Motley Fool” reminds us that protecting retirement savings during a divorce is important, and third-party mediation or collaborative law may be the best way to protect what was accumulated during your marriage. Remember, you’re better off owning your share of the retirement accounts than having to pay those funds to your lawyer for divorce litigation.

How to Protect Your Retirement Savings During Divorce

When your relationship fades, don't let your savings go with it.

Sarah Szczypinski

( sarahszczypinski )

Sep 2, 2017 at 12:16PM

It's a gut-wrenching experience, and that's before the money issues. Approximately 1.2 million couples file for divorce each year, and the financial side of things can be just as upsetting as ending a relationship -- especially when it comes to retirement. Keep these points in mind as you navigate your way back to single life.

Paying for Dissolution

The average price of a divorce in 2016 was $15,000, but costs vary significantly depending upon the nature of your split -- e.g., amicable or contested -- and the size of your legal fees. You may not have the liquid funds to cover all the related expenses, and it can be tempting to cut your losses by tapping into retirement savings.

This is a no-no. Not only will you pay taxes on 401(k) and IRA withdrawals before ages 55 or 59 1/2, respectively, you'll also incur a 10% penalty if a judge hasn't yet ordered you to divide your assets.

If you can, it's wise to talk to your ex about preserving your collective savings during the divorce process. While you might not be on the best terms, ending your relationship shouldn't mean sacrificing your retirement security.

Dividing Your Assets

Before you can divide your retirement accounts, you must first locate and tally up how much money you have. Do this by collecting summary plan descriptions (SPDs) for employer-sponsored accounts, including 401(k)s and pensions. It's also important to add traditional and Roth IRA balances, money markets, CDs, savings accounts, real estate, and any other financial assets into the equation.

Once you have the numbers in place, you can begin valuing each account for equitable division, which is more complicated than it seems. For example, suppose you have $20,000 in a 401(k) and $20,000 in a Roth IRA. Withdrawals from a 401(k) are taxed as ordinary income, meaning that you'd be left with $14,400 if you fall within the 28% tax bracket. On the other hand, Roth contributions are taxed upfront, which means you wouldn't pay taxes on withdrawals in retirement.

Often, spouses can't agree on how to split the marital assets equally, and it's a good idea to seek third-party mediation or legal advice to ensure that you get your fair share of the savings.

Avoiding Losses

While it's easy enough to split the balance of your checking account, retirement plans aren't so easy to divide. In all cases, making changes to your retirement accounts in divorce requires filing the proper paperwork, and it's imperative to work with an attorney who has experience dealing with marital assets. The No.1 risk of splitting up retirement accounts are taxes and fees, but there are ways to accomplish this without incurring losses.

First, the separation of assets must be clearly spelled out in your divorce decree. Next, you must divide your accounts based on type. For example, qualified plans like 401(k)s and 403(b)s, and pensions are split under a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO), which allows you to roll your assets into your own qualified plan, tax, and penalty-free. You can also roll 401(k) funds into a traditional or Roth IRA, but this move may not make sense unless you anticipate being in a higher tax bracket later in life, and would therefore benefit more from tax-free IRA withdrawals.

Traditional and Roth IRA assets are divided under the "incident to divorce" rules in the tax code, which means that they can be transferred and split between spouses without taxation within one year of the formal divorce date.

Qualifying for Social Security benefits

Another important thing to consider during your divorce is Social Security benefits, which comes down to timing. If your marriage lasted 10 years or longer, the Social Security Administration (SSA) allows you to claim benefits on your ex-spouse's record, even if they eventually remarry.

You'll need to reach age 62 before qualifying for monthly withdrawals, and you can begin receiving yours even if your ex is still working -- as long as you've been divorced for at least two years. You're also eligible to receive 100% of your ex's benefits in the event of their death, even if they leave a widow or widower behind. Of course, you won't qualify for benefits if you remarry yourself, but those rules change if your subsequent marriage ends, as well (more on that here ).

These provisions can make all the difference in retired living, especially if you didn't work during the course of your marriage. The average retired couple currently receives $2,260 in monthly Social Security benefits, and you may receive half that amount, or more, depending on your ex's income. While it may be painful, it's also practical to hold off on divorce if your 10-year anniversary is approaching. The result could sustain you in your golden years.

Starting Fresh

Recovering from divorce takes time and recalibration. After all, you may be losing half of your total savings. That said, it's possible to catch up and establish your financial independence by:

Opening a bank account and credit line : If you don't already have an individual bank account, open one that includes checking and savings, and consider applying for a new line of credit, as well. If your marriage was financially messy, the effects may have damaged your credit along the way, and now is the time to rebuild your individual creditworthiness. This can qualify you for lower interest rates, insurance premiums, credit card perks, and other benefits that can help you prioritize long-term savings.
Budgeting : Single life comes with new expenses, and you'll probably need to budget for increases in housing, food, utilities, insurance, and other costs. Pay attention to your spending and bills in the months following your split, make cuts where you can, and use your income effectively. This strategy will help you avoid overspending and relying on credit to make ends meet.
Investing : Don't let divorce sour you on retirement planning. Instead, take your financial half and work with an advisor to redefine your strategy. You may need to work a few extra years and make catch-up contributions to recover from your split, and it's important to understand these obstacles as soon as possible.

Divorce is all too common and painful, and you shouldn't have to pay for it for the rest of your life. Take advantage of the provisions in place to lessen the financial heartache.

Domestic Partners, Grandparents Score Huge Win in Maryland Court of Appeals

Mon, 06 Nov 2017 05:25:54 GMT

Maryland Court of Appeals Reverses Itself and Recognizes De Facto Parents

In a major win for children and adults who helped raise children but did not adopt them, Maryland’s highest court reversed one of its worst decisions and recognized that “de facto parents” should have rights to custody and visitation even though there is no biological connection between the adult and the child. This is a huge victory not only for children who will no longer have the de facto parent ripped away from them but also particularly for the grandparents, lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender, and straight adults who helped raised his/her partner’s children but never formally adopted them.

This issue arises particularly with same-sex divorces and separations when one partner either adopted or gave birth to a child but the child was raised jointly by the two partners. In a horrendous decision in 2008, Janice M. v. Margaret K , 404 Md. 661, a 6-1 majority of the Court of Appeals held that only the adoptive or biological parent had a right to custody of the child, even though her lesbian partner and child were bonded and the partner had helped to raise the child. The non-adoptive, non-biological former partner became a “legal stranger” to the child upon divorce or dissolution of the relationship. The Court ruled that when the gay partners divorced the partner who did not adopt the child had to prove that the biological or adoptive parent was either unfit to parent or that “exceptional circumstances” existed—and that helping to raise a child as her own did not constitute “exceptional circumstances.”

In Conover, the parties were married after the child was born. The defendant was artificially inseminated with sperm from an anonymous donor. The plaintiff did not adopt the child nor was she listed on the birth certificate as a parent.

The couple jointly raised the child for the first year of his life. After that year they separated but the parents worked out a visitation schedule. However, ten months after the separation the defendant terminated her former partner’s access to the child. All of the lower courts ruled against the Plaintiff saying in part that because Conover had no direct biological ties to the child, and had not formally adopted him, they were bound by Margaret K. and denied her visitation.

The Court of Appeals reversed and adopted the Wisconsin Supreme Court’s standards for identifying a de facto parent (In re Custody of H.S.H.-K., 533 N.W.2d 419 (Wisc. 1995)). Under this test the Court of Appeals has adopted, a third-party seeking de facto parent status must prove when petitioning for access to a minor child:

That the biological or adoptive parent consented to, and fostered, the petitioner’s formation and establishment of a parent-like relationship with the child;
That the petitioner and the child lived together in the same household;
That the petitioner assumed obligations of parenthood by taking significant responsibility for the child’s care, education, and development, including contributing towards the child’s support, without expectation of financial compensation; and
That the petitioner has been in a parental role for a length of time sufficient to have established with the child a bonded, dependent relationship parental in nature.

While each of the factors must be established, the first factor is the gatekeeper. For example, a nanny may establish a very close relationship with the child, but the Court stated that it is unlikely that he or she will be able to establish that the parent consented to the formation and establishment of a “parent-like relationship.” The July 2016 reversal of Janice M . is remarkable for several reasons. First, it is highly unusual for the Court of Appeals to reverse itself, particularly in such a short time. Second, current members of the Court reversed how they voted just a few years ago. Finally, the Court went out of its way to praise the logic of the lone dissenter in the Janice M . case (Judge Irma Raker)-logic it had rejected just a few years before.

According to the FreeState Justice, the lawyers who brought the case for Michelle Conover (now Michael Conover, a transgender man), this case “impacts thousands of children in Maryland born into families headed by same-sex couples.” Although the case has generated the most discussion in the LBGT community, it is equally applicable to the common situation of a step-parent helping to raise a child but not being able to adopt the child because the divorced biological parent will not consent. As the concurring opinion pointed out in Conover, this can lead to a situation where at least three adults have custodial and visitation rights to the child.

Although Conover now gives de facto parents the right to go to court to establish visitation, it does not mean they should run to the courthouse door. Custody disputes are without a doubt better resolved through mediation or collaborative law.

The case is Conover v. Conover, 450 Md. 51, 146 A.3d 433 (2016). The decision is at https://www.mdcourts.gov/opinions/coa/2016/79a15.pdf .

Collaborative Practice

Mon, 23 Oct 2017 05:24:00 GMT

I am among the first trained attorneys in Collaborative Law and still believe in its usefulness. However, its use peaked a few years ago and now it is used infrequently, and virtually only in divorce cases. Why? First and foremost, Collaborative Law got a bad reputation for being very expensive. In the early days most cases had two lawyers, two therapists, a financial neutral and others. Cases would cost tens of thousands of dollars, not settle and the parties would have to hire new lawyers to litigate the case (the Collaborative Law attorneys could not further represent their collaborative law clients if the case proceeded to court because of the Collaborative Law recusal provisions.) Furthermore, newly minted Collaborative Law attorneys saw every divorce case as a collaborative law case, when in most instances the issues could be settled more quickly and less expensively through mediation. So parties lost faith in recommendations for recommendations to resolve a case through collaborative law.

In Maryland, Collaborative Law attorneys have done a lot of work to reform the collaborative law process, to make it quicker, cheaper and simpler. Collaborative Law 2.0. Collaborative law has gone from being over-utilized to under-utilized. While it should still be the exception rather than the rule, It deserves a second look.

With that in mind, I commend you to the Maryland Collaborative Practice Council’s information. Its mission is to “support Collaborative Practice Groups, advocate statewide on legislative, executive, and judicial initiatives, and to advance the use of the Collaborative Process as a method of dispute resolution.”

They offer the following information on collaborative practice:

How Collaborative Practice Can Help

You can choose to battle in court, or you can resolve your disputes respectfully to the benefit of all. Whether you are facing a separation and divorce, a disagreement over an estate, or any other type of dispute where there is a need or a desire to have a relationship beyond the conflict, Collaborative Practice is a viable and valuable option. Click here to learn whether Collaborative is right for you.

About Collaborative Practice

Collaborative Practice is a process of resolving disputes where participants work with a team of professionals to craft their own agreements. Clients work together in a respectful way, recognizing the importance of minimizing conflict for the interest of their children and others concerned about the family. Decisions are made by the participants without the involvement of a judge or other decision maker.

Collaborative Law, Collaborative Practice, Collaborative Process, and Collaborative Divorce are terms often used interchangeably. While “Collaborative Divorce” refers to resolution of particular types of disputes (divorce and domestic partnerships), the other terms can also apply to disputes involving employment law, probate law, construction law, real property law, and other civil law areas where the participants are likely to have continuing relationships after the current conflict has been resolved.

Typically clients and professionals meet together to plan for information gathering, make interim arrangements, and discuss issues. A team is assembled based on the participants’ needs and can include attorneys, divorce coaches and child specialists (both roles are filled by mental health specialists), financial experts, and other professionals as needed. Information gathered is shared with both clients and team members in order to clarify each participant’s interests and stimulate ideas for possible solutions. All communications made during the Collaborative Process remain confidential and will not be used as evidence if the case later goes to court.

A settlement which meets the approval of both clients can then be fashioned. This method of negotiating divorce is designed to reduce conflict and allow the participants the possibility of a civil and cordial relationship in the future. If the parties share children, the goal also includes creating an effective parenting plan which can guide the co-parenting relationship in healthy ways now and in the future.

Collaborative Practice embodies one important principle: all clients and collaborative professionals agree at the outset that the parties will negotiate the terms of their settlement directly; they will not be contested in court. If the parties cannot reach agreement, the attorneys and other professionals must withdraw, and the attorneys will assist the participants in finding new attorneys to help them settle the case through the traditional court system. Even in these cases some groundwork will have been laid for a more effective way of clients working together in the future.

In summary, Collaborative Practice is about working together to resolve differences in a constructive fashion. It is about rising above our differences to find resolutions that are reasonable and equitable, satisfy all parties, and prevent the lasting acrimony so often associated with litigation.

The MCPC is an organization of lawyers, licensed mental health clinicians, experts in financial analysis and planning, and other professionals dedicated to resolving conflict through collaborative means and devoted to helping our clients reach amicable settlements of disputes through creative problem solving and compromise.

When Collaborative Practice May be Appropriate

Collaborative Practice may be appropriate to resolve:

A divorcing couple’s disputes concerning custody, property, and finances
Disputes among siblings about elder care decisions or an inheritance
Labor and management disputes
Disputes among family members about family business succession or trust matters
Landlords and tenant disputes
Disputes between neighbors

These and other kinds of conflicts involving the need for a continuing relationship beyond the dispute, can be dealt with by adversarial legal battles, or they can be handled respectfully and privately in a collaborative setting. Collaborative Practice represents an opportunity for disputants to resolve their differences without ceding control to a judge or other third party. Collaborative Practice recognizes that it is the clients, with the help, support and advice of their working team of professionals within the structure of the Collaborative Process, who are best equipped to determine what is important to each of them and to resolve their own disagreements.

Co-Parenting

Mon, 25 Sep 2017 05:21:11 GMT

Lorriane C. Ladish Posted in the Huffington Post the Following 10 Tips for Successful Co-Parenting. Although this list is geared towards mothers, I think it is useful for either mothers or fathers:

1.Practice Empathy

Co-parenting your kids with your ex is no easy feat. Practicing empathy, trying to put yourself in both your kids’ and their dad’s shoes will help you successfully navigate this situation. When your kids miss dad, allow them to voice their feelings. When dealing with dad, take into account that he loves the little ones too, and act accordingly. Treat him the way you would like him to treat you.

2.Be Open and Flexible with Schedules

Kids suffer when their parents argue about visitation schedules in front of them. Even if you have a court-ordered parenting calendar, if dad wants to take the kids to a ball game or watch a soccer match on TV on one of your days, put the kids first. Will they enjoy it? Then, let them go! One day, when they grow up, they will thank you for allowing them this freedom.

3. Pick Your Battles

It’s important to have common ground rules and values for the kids in both households. But it also stands to reason that each parent will deal with certain situations differently. Don’t expect dad to do everything exactly the same way you do it. Even if you were still married you’d have different parenting styles. And that’s ok. Kids thrive on those differences.

4. Communicate Directly with Dad

You’ve probably heard this one before, but do your best not to use the kids as go-betweens. Not only may they get the message wrong, they will also witness any negative feelings either parent expresses when delivering or receiving it. If your kids give you a message from their other parent, don’t blow up in front of them. Wait until you’re alone to give him a call and address the issue as calmly but firmly as possible.

5.Remember He Is Your Ex but Also Your Co-Parent

You’re divorced for a reason. If he didn’t change his ways when you were a couple, he’s most likely not going to do it now. Do what you can with what you’ve got, and make the best of your relationship as co-parents. Allow him to rebuild his life however he sees fit, as long as it’s not harmful for the kids. Counseling is a good investment to improve communication between you. The kids will be the winners.

6. Make Exchanges Short and Sweet

No matter where or when you exchange the kids, keep these moments short and sweet. Do your best not to cry or hang on to the little ones when they go off with dad. Especially don’t drag it on giving your ex endless instructions. Say your goodbyes with a smile, so the children won’t feel guilty about leaving you by yourself.

7. Respect Their Time with Dad

If your kids only see dad during the weekends, don’t put a damper on their time together by calling them too often. Especially, don’t call when you know they may be having dinner or if it’s past their bedtime. If you miss them, call a friend to commiserate. Think of how you would feel if your ex insisted on calling your home at odd hours and made the kids feel bad about him.

8. Share Photos, Grades, Accomplishments

When your kids get their grades or are having a special moment their dad is missing, take a picture and email it or text it to him. Tell them that you are doing it, so they know you are including their father in the parts of daily life that he may not be privy to. Ask him to do the same for you, but don’t nag him if he doesn’t. Remember, it’s all about the kids in the end.

9.Encourage Your Kids to Communicate with Dad

Make sure they call, email or write to him on a regular basis. Remind them of his birthday and other special occasions such as Father’s day. Help them make or choose a gift and mail it or give it to him in person. Kids are happiest when they feel free to express their feelings of love towards both parents even when they are no longer a family unit living under the same roof.

10. Enjoy Your Time Off

One of the perks of being a single mom is that you will inevitably have time just for you. Take advantage of the days your kids are with dad to socialize, sign up to a drawing class, get a massage, or simply to watch movies, read books in bed or sleep in. Recharge your batteries so that when the kids come back they will find you at your best!

As you would expect, communication is a key theme to the process of successful co-parenting. Co-parents need to communicate effectively and empathetically with each other, and each should encourage their child/children to communicate well with the other parent. Mediation and collaborative law can lay the groundwork for successful communication for co-parents post-divorce. On the other hand, litigation tends to further polarize the parents. A few judges take the position that if the parents have to have a trial to resolve custody issues then it shows that they can’t communicate and therefore shouldn’t have joint legal custody. But a 2016 case from Maryland’s top court says that even if the parents can’t communicate that joint legal custody, with one parent having tie-breaking authority, is appropriate. Santo v. Santo, 141 Md. 74, 448 A.3d 74 (2016).

If communication is a problem then I highly recommend retaining a parent-coordinator. This will be discussed in a future blog, but essentially a parent coordinator helps the parents communicate more effectively and with less hostility. Oftentimes the parents will communicate more civilly merely because the parent coordinator insists on being copied on every e-mail between them. While I offer parent coordination services, I am not a therapist. I will help the parties resolve issues but find it most effective to have decision-making authority in some areas so that decisions get made and everyone can move on. Therapist parent coordinators oftentimes do not want or have decision-making authority. They prefer to have the parties resolve the issues themselves, although it will usually take longer. If you would like the names of therapist parent-coordinators please contact my office.

Custody Early Access

Wed, 01 Feb 2017 06:05:24 GMT

A recent article in the Washington Post highlights how courts are trending to awarding fathers more time with their young children, even when the child is an infant. Titled “What’s more important than breast-feeding a baby? Giving a father time with his child” https://wapo.st/2gm0Xkq?tid=ss_mail&utm_term=.64728a23e3c5 the article discusses how a local court rejected a mother’s claim that the father should not have overnight visits because she could not pump enough milk for the father to feed the infant during that time. Despite the mom’s insistence that the child should only be fed breast milk, the Court ruled—by two different women judges-- that the child should also be fed formula so that the infant could spend overnights with the father. Bottom line: at least after the child was six month’s old, the child’s time with the father was more important than the mother’s desire that the child only be fed breast milk.

When I started in family law, the Montgomery County Circuit Court handed out a packet stating that the customary access schedule for fathers was every-other-weekend and maybe a mid-week dinner or overnight—after the child was at least three years old. Overnight visits for newborns to at least three years was unheard of. Even the American Bar Association published a book of access schedules, that did not recommend overnights for infants.

In a trial I had about ten years ago, the judge found that both parents were fit parents to have custody, and so he explicitly stated that he was ordering the “usual” custody schedule of every other weekend and weekday overnight to the father. Today, it is unlikely that the judge would rule that way. It is common for courts to award father’s equal custody of the children, or at least close to equal custody of the children. Why? To a large extent, judges are more accepting that fathers are equally qualified to raise children and that the children deserve to have both children equally in their lives.

Of course, and I can’t say it enough, studies show that the best predictor for how children will fare after a divorce is how well the parents co-parent. Fighting over a night here or there is not good for the children or the parents. If the children are caught in the middle for years of post-divorce strife then they are less likely to do well. Related to that is that parents who successfully resolve custody issues through mediation or collaborative law have a much greater likelihood of the agreement being followed and the strife lessened.

Surviving-Even Enjoying-Post Election Holiday Gatherings

Wed, 23 Nov 2016 05:17:19 GMT

I recently had lunch with a friend who commented that he had several friends who wouldn’t talk to each other because of the election results. Some even changed their Thanksgiving plans because they didn’t want to have to share a meal around partisan recriminations. He then told me that he had a friend who was going to work for the Vice-President elect, as if to inquire whether it was OK to keep that person as a friend.

I related to my colleague the story of how I met my friend Ed. One day at college one of my roommates came in and said, “Bob, I’d like you to meet Ed. He’s a really nice guy as long as you don’t speak to him about abortion.” Ed and I spent the next five hours, until 3 a.m. debating the issue. We’ve been best friends ever since.

The times between my college experience and this recent lunch are quite different, and not for the better. People have become less willing to listen to other points of view. I grew up in a family where we were taught to seek out other points of view, not to flee from them. My grandfather was as staunch a Republican as you’d ever find. He never voted for Franklin Roosevelt because he thought he as a socialist. Yet each morning he would go to the local newspaper vendor and buy all of the newspapers, including the communist “Daily Worker” paper, so that he could become familiar with opposing points of view.

My grandfather’s example is more relevant now than ever before. We should embrace people of different opinions, not shun them. We should be eager to listen to their point of view-but they should be equally willing to listen to ours.

When I mediate I give each party “Ground Rules for Mediation” so that we can have productive, respectful, positive meetings. As we gather for Thanksgiving, Christmas and other holiday meals, think about these four Rules, which may make the day more civil and enlightening.

Ground Rules for Mediation

We agree to take turns speaking and not interrupt the other person when he/she is talking.
We agree not to demean, belittle, blame, attack or engage in“put downs” of one another. We will try to keep a respectful tone during our discussions.
We agree to speak in terms of our own needs/thoughts and not assume what is in the heart and mind of the other person. We will speak in terms of “I” as in “I believe,” “I want”, “I feel” not in terms of “You” as in “you believe”, “you want,” “you feel” [Many studies have shown that “you” is a very powerful attack word. It is to be avoided in contentious discussions.]
We agree to listen respectfully to what the other person says and ask questions to be sure we understand what the other has said.
We acknowledge that we have a lot of feelings about the issues under consideration and we agree to try to discuss those issues in a rational manner.
We acknowledge that the point of our discussion is to listen and learn and that we may never convince the other side that we are right and they are wrong. But we will respect each other more, not less, after our discussion and everyone will leave with a better understanding of the other’s point of view.

These rules can apply to mediation as well as conversation around the your holiday table. Happy Holidays to All.

Maryland: An Equitable Property State

Sun, 27 Mar 2016 05:12:05 GMT

We are sometimes asked whether Maryland is a community property state. It is not. Only Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin are. Maryland is an equitable property state.

In equitable property states such as Maryland, property acquired during the marriage belongs to the spouse in whose name the property is titled–but that does not mean he/she gets to keep it in a divorce. In the event of a divorce, the Maryland Court uses a three part test to determine whether to equitably divide the value of the separately titled property.

First the Court will determine ownership of the property.
Then it will determine if it is marital property, regardless of how titled. Property acquired during the marriage (up until the date of divorce) is marital property unless it is gifted to one party or the parties agree it will be separate property.
As the final step, the Court will make whatever monetary award, including in some cases transferring ownership, it deems appropriate. There are 11 separate factors the Court considers in deciding what award, if any, to make.

A note about debt: In community property states, debt acquired during the marriage is also community property, so each party is equally liable for all of the debt. In Maryland the Court cannot divide debt except for debt used to acquire tangible property. However, it can take debt into consideration when making a marital award.

Recording on Cell Phone Does Not Violate Wiretap Laws

Tue, 08 Mar 2016 05:07:21 GMT

Maryland is a two party consent state for purposes of recording another person. That is, you are not permitted to record someone in Maryland without the other party’s consent. However, there is a little known, huge exception to that rule—recordings made on cell phones.

At a recent divorce trial I successfully argued that the cell phone videos my client took of his wife yelling and throwing knifes at him were admissible. The other side’s divorce attorney argued that because his client did not consent to the recording my client violated the Maryland Wiretap Act, Cts. & Jud. Proc. § 10-401 et seq. (2006), that the recordings were inadmissible and that my client should be criminally prosecuted. He said two other judges had accepted his argument and excluded cell phone recordings from being used as evidence—but the other lawyers did not know about the case I found that contradicted that position.

The secret to success in my client’s case was Martin v. State, 218 Md.App. 1, 96 A. 3d.765 (2014), cert . denied 440 Md. 463(2014), cert denied 135 S. Ct. 2068 (2015) in which the Court of Special Appeals held that cell phone recordings are not covered under the state wiretap statute. Recording someone speaking is generally an “interception” for wiretap act purposes. However, the Maryland Wiretap statute only prohibits interceptions if they occur through the use of any “electronic, mechanical or other device.” CJP §§ 10-401(10) and 10-402(a). The Act specifically excludes “telephone” from the definition of an “electronic, mechanical or other device.” Therefore, by using his cell phone to record the incidents, my client was within his rights, the evidence was admitted and he got the divorce he wanted, on the terms he wanted without having to pay any alimony, divide his pension, or pay her attorney’s fees.

Practice Pointer: Under the current state of the law, you may record someone without their permission if you do it on your cell phone. This would appear to be an unintended outcome of the Act, but as of the date of this writing it appears to be the status of the law.

Alimony Does Not Necessarily End upon Retirement of The Wage Earner

Tue, 16 Feb 2016 05:05:47 GMT

A common misconception is that alimony will automatically end when the person paying the alimony retires. Unless the settlement agreement specifically provides for alimony termination upon retirement, recent cases in hold that alimony will continue, although perhaps at a reduced amount.

In two Maryland cases, Ridgeway v. Ridgeway, 171 Md. App. 373; 910 A.2d 503 (2006) and Stewart v. Stewart, No. 2601, opinion filed Sept. 2015 (Md. App. Sept. 2013 term (unreported)), the trial and appellate courts reduced but did not terminate alimony after the former spouse/former wage earner (the “payor”) retired. In Ridgeway , after retirement the alimony recipient continued working and had a greater income than the payor after he retired. Furthermore, at the time of the settlement the parties had equally divided the marital assets such as the equity in the marital home and marital portions of the retirement accounts (e.g. 401(k), IRA, TSP, pensions) so that the alimony recipient and payor had an equal amount of marital assets at the time of divorce.

So why did the courts reduce but not terminate alimony? In those cases, the Courts looked at the expenses of the recipient as the determining factor. Although the payor’s income went down the recipient’s expenses did not. Therefore the Courts ordered the payor to continue alimony payments equal to the difference between amount the recipient received from the pension payment and what she would have received from the alimony award.

It is important to note that in both cases the payor stopped paying alimony when he retired, incorrectly expecting that his alimony payment would terminate. In Ridgeway, the Court specifically rejected the payor’s argument that “the retirement payment replaces the alimony payment, warranting termination of alimony.” In both cases, the payor was found in contempt and had to pay the recipient’s attorneys fees and alimony arrears.

Ominously for those with existing settlement agreements, the Courts hold that unless the agreement specifically provided for termination of alimony upon retirement, then there is no right to re-open that issue later. Rather, the presumption was that indefinite alimony meant indefinite alimony, and only the amount, not duration, would be modified.

Pointers:

If you are mediating a marital settlement agreement and want alimony to terminate upon retirement of the payor, then the Agreement must explicitly say that.
If you do not have an alimony termination clause in your mediated settlement agreement and want to seek modification of an alimony award, file early (when you have a date certain for retirement) but plan on paying the full amount of the alimony until the Court has decided.
If you stop paying alimony before the Court modifies it you may be found in contempt and have to pay the other side’s attorney’s fees.

Unhappy With Your Litigated Divorce Matter? Change Course!

Sun, 24 May 2015 04:54:52 GMT

Litigation should be the last, not the first dispute resolution process that clients should use. I came upon the following blog, which I thought was applicable to many cases where the lawyer has steered the client to litigation to the client’s regret. To many “old school” lawyers, litigation is the first recourse for obtaining a divorce. The author explains below what a spouse can and should do if you have regrets about the path your divorce is taking.

By Andrea Vacca

If you're in the middle of a litigated divorce and are unhappy with the way things are going, you can change course.

You might have started the divorce process with the goal of ending the marriage quickly and feeling as financially secure as possible at the end. You might have hired the first attorney who came highly recommended from a friend or relative who has been through their own divorce. And all seemed fine in the beginning. Your attorney said she understood that you didn't want to make your divorce World War III. She understood that you wanted to remain friends for the sake of your children. But as soon as it became clear that you and your spouse saw things differently, and conflict arose, the battle was on. Your attorney told you the judge is likely to see it your way and may have even encouraged you to write down all the divisive and emotionally painful issues between you and your spouse that would help you score points in court. And of course, your spouse's attorney told him or her the same thing.

Now, 6 months or 1 year later, you see how combative and unproductive the legal proceedings actually are, you're feeling more anger toward your spouse than ever and you're wondering, "How did I get here? This isn't how I wanted my divorce to go."

It's not too late to change course. For parting spouses who find themselves in an unwanted battle, turning away from litigation and toward a less adversarial approach to their divorce is still possible.

Some recent experiences with couples who moved from traditional (and costly) litigation to mediation or collaborative law have provided me with insights that I would like to share with you, or anyone you might know who is going through a divorce:

If you don't like the way things are going, explore a different approach: If you feel that the original process you chose for your divorce was a mistake, make a change as soon as possible . The longer a divorce continues in court, the more positional each side becomes. Things are said in court that cannot be "unsaid." Emotional damage can be done in the process that could make it more difficult for you and your spouse to ever come to a resolution or to be cooperative when living your post-divorce lives.
Your divorce lawyer is unlikely to be supportive of you trying a different process: He may tell you that he does not believe your spouse is capable of being reasonable and you need the "protection" that a court can provide. What he may not tell you is that he doesn't want to lose you as a client. This may be especially true if you still have a robust sum in your checking account. All attorneys hate to lose a client, but this is especially true when the client can afford to pay legal fees. If your attorney attempts to dissuade you from trying mediation or collaborative divorce, certainly listen to what he is saying, but remember that you are the one going through the divorce – not your attorney . The choice of process needs to be up to you and your spouse.
It takes two reasonable people to move away from litigation and toward a non-adversarial process: You may need to be the brave one who initiates a conversation with your spouse to find out if he or she is also unhappy with the litigation process. If you haven't had a civil conversation with your spouse in months, this can feel pretty scary. In that case, you may need some outside advice about how to facilitate the conversation . There are excellent divorce coaches who can help you get clear about what isn't working for you in the current process, what your true goals are for this divorce and how to explain all of this to your spouse in a way that feels safe.

Maryland Eliminates Waiting Time for Some Uncontested Divorces; No Separation Required

Sat, 21 Mar 2015 04:50:33 GMT

The Maryland General Assembly approved, and the Governor is expected to sign, legislation which would eliminate the waiting period for an uncontested divorce from the current period of one (1) year. The change will be effective October 1, 2015.

There are several important requirements to obtain a divorce under the new “mutual consent” law:

The parties cannot have any minor children in common;
The parties must sign and submit to the court a written settlement agreement signed by both parties that resolves all issues relating to alimony and property, including any transfer of ownership of any property and division of any retirement accounts;
Neither party files a pleading to set aside the settlement agreement prior to the divorce hearing; and
Both parties appear before the court at the time of the absolute divorce hearing.

This legislation continues the trend in the legislature, reducing the waiting period for a divorce where there is a written agreement. There are several important differences from the current grounds for a no-fault divorce

This law highlights the legislature’s favorable view of the parties settling their marital disputes out of court. If the parties are unable to resolve all of the issues themselves, or want a professional to draft the agreement, then mediation is usually the most cost effective way to achieve that result. Other options to mediation are collaborative law, direct negotiations between the couple and their lawyers, or one party hiring a lawyer to draft the agreement with the other party hiring a lawyer to review the agreement (one lawyer cannot represent both parties).

It Takes Two to Fight But Only One to Change the Relationship

Sun, 15 Mar 2015 04:22:54 GMT

Written by Betsy Ross, LICSW:

Divorcing and divorced parents who work toward improving their relationship, can become free from the past faster and create a more stable, productive and enjoyable home life in which to raise healthier and happier children.

Parents who are unable to stop fighting either openly (through yelling, door slamming, name calling, etc) or 'under wraps' (with passive aggressive behaviors such as repeatedly arriving late, breaking agreements, 'forgetting' promises, etc.) contribute to making everyday life stressful, unhealthy, and chaotic. Frequent fighting, tension, and conflict is bad for everyone, especially for kids.

It Always Takes Two to Fight

One simply cannot fight the good fight alone. Surprisingly enough, whether stated ("I'll never cooperate with you") or implied, continued fighting involves an unconscious agreement between BOTH parents to stay deeply connected and involved with each other. Conflict can keep couples in the familiar territory of the old (and dysfunctional) ways rather than advance into the frightening land of the new and the unknown.

It Only Takes One to Change the Relationship

While indeed difficult to accomplish, by outright refusing to fight and standing strong in the conviction to be and act differently (even when feeling provoked or baited by the others terrible words or behaviors) one parent can single-handedly bring about slow and steady change. When both co-parents commit to this process, the benefits of better relating: Decreased stress, improved mental and physical health, and a brighter outlook toward the future, can be more quickly achieved and enjoyed by all.

Good Help Is Available

Moving beyond the old dysfunctional ways of relating to create a new, stable and more peaceful environment takes determination, hard work, and the development of new skills. It demands a willingness to look within to examine one's own behavior and motivation, and the courage to take responsibility for increased self-control and decreased retribution-seeking behaviors in the future. Luckily, these days there are a variety of experienced and supportive divorce/mental health specialists available to provide guidance and assistance in this endeavor. Divorce and co-parent coaching utilizes proven tools and techniques, tailor made to meet the needs of each family, couple, or individual seeking these.

You, too, can take part in creating a brighter future for your children and enable them to develop themselves in a more healthful and happy environment during and post-divorce. Building a better co-parenting relationship will provide endless payoffs for you and for your children to learn, grow, and thrive in. It is among the greatest gifts you can give to your family and to yourself, both during and after your divorce.

Follow Betsy Ross, LICSW CGP on Twitter: www.twitter.com/blurbsfrombetsy

Is It Possible to Have a Win-Win Divorce?

Fri, 06 Mar 2015 03:53:55 GMT

Mediation: Can Everybody Win?

by William H. Donahue, Jr., Esq., APM

In conflicts ranging from military battles to corporate wars to divorce, there's usually a winner and a loser. In fact, we are conditioned to believe from an early age that when we come into conflict, there must be a victor who defeats another. So what do mediators mean when they say everybody wins in mediation? Is there such a thing as a win/win solution?

Creating Value

Most conflicts do have a win/win solution, but finding it often takes a lot of hard work, creativity and imagination. And most importantly, it takes a willingness to change the way you define winning. Let me give you an example in the divorce context. I worked with a couple recently that had been married for 27 years. I'll call them Joan and Jerry. They had two grown children who were both out of college. Jerry earned over $100,000 a year as an accountant. Joan earned $45,000 as a teacher. The big issue they needed to resolve was alimony. Joan felt she was entitled to $2,000 per month alimony. Jerry felt she wasn't going to starve on $45,000 per year so he shouldn't have to pay alimony at all. Besides, he argued, the divorce was Joan's decision.

If you look at this conflict the way Joan and Jerry did when they started mediation, there are very limited solutions. Joan will feel she won only if she gets the $2,000 per month. Jerry will feel he won only if he pays nothing. In litigation, they would settle the issue by both of them negotiating down, through their lawyers, to an alimony figure that made them both feel as if they lost. Jerry would be paying too much. Joan wouldn't be getting enough.

But suppose they looked at the issue differently. What if they were able to redefine the goals they were negotiating? In mediation, I would ask them both about other things that were important to them. Relationships with their children would be an area we would discuss. How do each of them want to be seen by their children? What kind of role models do they want to be? I would ask them about the relationship they want to have with each other after the divorce. Is it important to them that they end the marriage with respect for each other, that they be able, to some extent, to put anger and bitterness behind them? I would also talk to them about their financial goals and needs in the future. How and where did they each hope to live, and what would it take to make them both feel secure.

You might be asking, what's the point of all this? Jerry still has to decide if he's going to pay alimony without being forced to by a judge, and if so, how much? That's the decision he has to make, but the reason behind these questions is to help Jerry and Joan both think beyond the issue at hand about what in their lives is important to them, has value to them, and that they want to hold onto after the divorce. In the process, they may find or create value where they didn't see it before. In fact, that's just what happened. The couple came to realize that several of the things we talked about were of great value to them. Despite his present anger, Jerry didn?t want to start a new life filled with anger and knowing that Joan resented or even hated him for using alimony as a way to punish her.

If coming out of his divorce with a sense of self respect and the knowledge that Joan respected him was important to him, what kind of solution to the alimony issue would best enable him to get what he valued? After further discussions, and each of them consulting with their attorneys, they settled on a figure reasonably close to Joan's original request. But they both felt they had won. Joan won because she would have the alimony she needed to live comfortably and with a minimum of disruption to her life. And Jerry won because he had changed what it meant to him to win. His decision to pay alimony was consistent with the way he wanted to feel about himself, with the kind of person he thought himself to be and wanted Joan and his children to think him to be.

But wait, you may be saying. Isn't the result the same? In settlement terms, the answer is yes. Most of my mediation clients reach solutions that are similar to ones they would reach in litigation or that a judge would decide, but the result is not the same and the difference is how each of them feels about the settlement. And that makes all the difference in the world. If you don't think the difference is important, think about this statistic. Nearly 40% of people who get divorced through litigation end up back in court after the divorce because of a dispute they can't work out. Only 4% of people who mediate their divorces end up back in court. Through mediation, both parties in a divorce feel they won something of value to them. This makes them less likely to harbor resentment that could lead to more conflicts down the road.

Child Support and Alternative Calculations for Child Support

Wed, 04 Mar 2015 05:41:01 GMT

In Maryland, when the Circuit Court determines child support, depending on the total combined gross income of both parents, it uses an algebraic formula commonly referred to as “child support guidelines.” The formula considers the number of children, the income of each parent, and the percentage of time the children are in each parent’s care and other expenses paid by each parent, such as work-related child care and health insurance. The following blog, written by Barney Connaughton, Esq., family law attorney and mediator discusses alternatives to Child Support Guidelines and how it relates to mediation.

Is There Any Alternative to Guideline Child Support?

Couples can reach agreement to a support amount that is greater or less than the guideline amount. For the Court to accept such an agreement the couple is required to acknowledge their right to have support set by guideline, that their agreement is in the best interest of the children and will allow each parent to adequately meet the needs of the children. If child support is set in a sum less than the guideline amount, the receiving parent can later petition the Court to have the amount increased to the guideline level which the Court will do given the mandate to order support consistent with the state guidelines.

Mediation gives the couple flexibility regarding the setting of child support. They may choose to stick to a guideline level of support, or they may look at the needs of each household and come up with a level of support that focuses more on how each of their needs can be best met. Guideline child support provides the Court with a quick mechanism to set support. Unfortunately, this level of support may either be unrealistic to the parent obligated to pay or insufficient for the supported parent to meet the needs of the children. Looking at all the circumstances of the couple, rather than just the inputs that the guideline calculations call for, can aid in making a support decision that is best for the whole family.

10 Thoughts for Divorcing Parents

Mon, 24 Nov 2014 05:45:33 GMT

By Bill Eddy

Pat knew divorce was inevitable. It was a matter of WHEN? After the children are past the age of 5? 8? 10? 14? They had all tried to keep the family together, but they were individually coming apart at the seams…. Divorce is usually painful for everyone involved. But how to shield your children from unnecessary pain – this is the question!

If you are planning or have recently divorced, here are a few things to consider:

1. There’s Hope

Divorce itself has not been shown to cause long-term negative effects on children. It is the way that people handle the divorce which makes a difference. Most (about 80%) of children have basically adjusted to the divorce within one to two years after the initial separation. While feelings and issues remain, basic healing and stability usually occur.

2. Nobody’s Perfect.

People are not trained in how to get divorced or how to be a parent. We live in a changing world and there is no one right answer for what to do, such that many ways work and each situation is unique.

3. the Level of Conflict Is Usually the Biggest Problem.

Research has shown that a high level of conflict between the parents is more disruptive to children’s development than whether their parents divorced. This research shows that a high-conflict marriage is harder on children than a low-conflict divorce. A high-conflict divorce is even worse.

4. Stability Is a Key Factor for Children of Any Age.

To the extent possible, parents should try to keep or create routines that the children can count on. Children need consistency on which to base their growth. Therefore, firm rules, regular activities, special time with the child, etc. are very helpful.

5. Explain Changes Ahead of Time, if Possible.

Children and adults adjust to change more easily if we can prepare first in our minds. No one likes surprises of the upsetting kind.

6. Make Time to Listen to Your Child

Children need to process feelings and worries much like adults do. Listening with interest and without judgment is important. Avoid reacting to what the child says with your own issues or conclusions.

7. Avoid Criticisms of The Other Parent in Front of The Child.

This is easy to say and hard to do, but very important. Your child needs to have a relationship with the other parent and children do better when they are not caught in the middle.

8. Move Slowly Introducing Children to Your New Relationships.

Your child already has a lot to cope with. The more pressure to like someone new, the more negative their reaction.

9. Get Adult Support for Yourself.

While you want to inform the child of what is going on, don’t rely on the child for support. You need to talk, so find many people to talk to.

10. Do Fun Activities with Your Child.

By enjoying time with your child, you will both feel better and be healthier for it. These suggestions won’t make all pain go away. They might just help make the decision to divorce manageable for you and your children. If you have more detailed questions or concerns, continue reading on the subject; ask for resources from your child’s school counselor or teacher; or seek the help of a trained EAP or mental health professional. You might be surprised at how much help you can get to give you direction and quiet your worries.

Bill Eddy is a family lawyer, family mediator and family therapist in San Diego, California. He is the developer of the New Ways for Families™ method, as well as the author of several books including It’s All YOUR Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything, BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns, and Don’t Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce.For information about training, resources or books, see www.HighConflictInstitute .com.